spec script series 001: "it's always sunny in philadelphia"
THE GANG GET KILLED BY FREDDY KRUEGER
I know this isn’t formatted great — this transferred in wrong from Fade In and Substack doesn’t even have a tab function? so I tried to do this all manually — but I thought it would be fun to share spec scripts because they’re fun to write.
A spec script, aka a “speculative script,” is an unsolicited episode script for a show that already exists. When you apply to screenwriting jobs, often they want to see these types of works because it shows that you are able to write in the style, tone, voice, etc. of a show in the genre you’re applying to work in. I think they’re most used in comedy (for shows that are more plot-dependent it’s not as easy or applicable), but it’s a fun exercise regardless.
Basically… the point is… they’re really fun your honor I have fun writing these!! I didn’t use this to apply anywhere, and it would definitely need some rewrites if I ever wanted to do so, but this is my blog which means it is MINE which means why not! I can share stupid things on here for fun! Let me know what you think -- should I do more of these or no?
Also, this particular idea came about after seeing this tweet that for some reason was the funniest thing ever to me when I first saw it.
INT. PADDY'S PUB, DAY
Dennis and Charlie are walking into the bar.
DENNIS
No, Charlie, see he's not a real guy, he's a character in the movie.
CHARLIE
But they all don't think he's real, and then he is.
It's like unexpected-er because they, and we, think he's not real, and then he is,
and then we think because he was not real and then real but all the time in the movie that that makes it not real for us, but then, so it takes us by surprise when he is real in real life.
It's meta dude, you don't get it
DENNIS
I very much do get it, and you are so backwards right now.
CHARLIE
They want you to think he's not real, because the people living inside the movie don't think it's real,
DENNIS
No
CHARLIE
So then it brings you like, meta-ly, meta.. meta like into the movie too, it's immersi.. immersible
DENNIS
Immersive! And no! You can't even speak, why are you trying to feed me your film analysis?!
MAC
Yo, what movie are we ripping?
DENNIS
I am trying to explain to Charlie, which, holy shit dude why is this something that I have to explain, that Freddy Krueger is not a real person.
MAC
Like from Friday the 13th.
DENNIS
Idiot! You were going on and on last night that you didn't want to watch with us because you've seen every horror movie and couldn't physically get scared anymore, and then you can't even tell movies apart.
No, it's Nightmare on Elm Street.
MAC
(in unison) Nightmare on Elm Street! I knew that dude! I just got, my mouth moved faster than my br--
DENNIS
You are so stupid. Stupid!
CHARLIE
.. But it's like, based on a true story.
DENNIS
It is based on nothing.
MAC
No.
DENNIS
(pointing at mac) You shut up, you don't know what we're talking about!
CHARLIE
No, like this happened to occur coincidentilentyly to someone in. Um. I think it was New Yo.. Je.. Yoersey,
DENNIS
Okay dude, what is wrong with you today, you can't talk and it is way worse than normal.
CHARLIE
It happened man, you're just like riling me up a wall!
DENNIS
You are an idiot, and your idiocy is very clearly getting worse by the minute.
CHARLIE
No, I'm not, I just bumped my head a smidge lasterday. The last yesterday, you know, the yesterday before yesterday.
DENNIS
Whatever dude. Freddy Krueger is not a real guy.
TITLE CARD: THE GANG GETS KILLED BY FREDDY KRUEGER
INT. BAR, LATER THAT DAY
Frank and Charlie are hunched over the bar watching a movie on one of their phones. Dee walks in.
DEE
Hey, what are you sickos doing?
CHARLIE
I'm showing Frank these movies, Friday on Elm Street, cause we gotta figure out if it's based on a real story, but it's kinda hard to see it on the phone actually.
They angle the phone to try and get a better view. Frank squints his eyes, flipping the phone around 360 degrees for some reason.
FRANK
I can't see shit, Charlie.
DEE
Ok well I can throw it up on the TV over there and watch it with you --
CHARLIE
Yeah well this is more of a fact-finding mission so we don't really need you here because girls can't be detectives ... you know, because Sherlock was a boy. So we'll just keep it *makes a krkk sound* here between us.
Dee scoffs.
CHARLIE (contd.)
Unless, he, unless you've ever dreamt about Freddy? Uh, Mr. Krueger?
DEE
What?
CHARLIE
You know, I already asked everyone else, I'm sort of getting a poll going you know. Have you ever been like, chased by a killer who's all scarred up and shit. In your dreams! And he has like meat cleavers for hands and knives for bones, or whatever. Maybe that's why you're sad all the time, because you're getting hunted down inside your dreams, and it's just like ruining you.
He starts using his hand to demonstrate, flexing his fingers.
DEE
Have I ever been chased by Freddy Krueger, in my dreams? Are you asking me if Freddy Krueger has ever been in my dreams?
CHARLIE
Well yeah.
FRANK
What is she deaf now?
DEE
No Charlie, I have not. Because first of all, that is complete fiction and you are a complete idiot. Also! My dreams are cute and mystical and full of beautiful meanings, like a slight little fairy person.
FRANK
Huh?
Dennis and Mac walk in from the alley entrance.
DENNIS
You are not watching this movie again Charlie, come on.
CHARLIE
No, I haven't seen it before, I'm watching it now so I can shove it in your face when I prove that I was right.
Pause. They stare at him.
DENNIS
We just watched it! We just watched the movie! That's what started the entire conversation in the first place!
CHARLIE
... no.
DENNIS
Get your head checked guy.
CHARLIE
It's okay, it's just bumpy is all.
MAC
Did you get another concussion? Dude for the last time just because you eat cat food doesn't mean you have the durability of a cat.
CHARLIE
I said that one time dude!
MAC
You absolutely cannot survive another concussion dude. Like, real fighters like me know what's up, what constitutes, like, serious bodily harm. I'm serious, you're gonna drop one day and just --
FRANK
He's fine Mac! Now go, all of you go away, we're watching something and you all are distracting us.
DENNIS
Oh, we're distracting you from your iPhone 7 movie screen?
MAC
I don't get it man, you're rich as shit, why won't you get a new phone.
FRANK
Hey, my shit don't break! You buy something expensive, it better last, it's just good product!
MAC
Hey, Dee, check Charlie's head, feel around back there.
DEE
Why do I have to do that?
DENNIS
You think we're touching that humanoid piece of lice?
DEE
Well, who knows where he's been, I don't want to touch that!
MAC
Actually we know exactly where he's been, and that's the whole problem.
DEE
No, I don't want to do that.
CHARLIE
I am totally fine guys stop!
DENNIS
You're forgetting shit.
CHARLIE
No! I am very good at memory!
DENNIS
Alright, what's happening in the movie?
CHARLIE
(mumbled) ... something to do with fairies.
MAC & DENNIS
What?!
FRANK
Hey, his memory is good, Dee was saying something about fairies before!
MAC
What in the world would you be saying about a fairy?
DENNIS
Dude, she's been watching TikTok and thinks she's gonna gain points or friends or whatever by acting like, vaguely hippy or shit. It's a little sad.
DEE
It's not, what, I've always believed in a.. a magical, metaphysical world beyond our own. I --
DENNIS
Dee, you're sounding like the brain-damaged one.
CHARLIE
Hey, I don't believe in fairies dude, those bitches are for sure all dead by now.
DEE
Whatever, screw you guys.
She grabs her bag and leaves the bar.
FRANK
Charlie, now that she's gone we gotta put this up on the screen, the angle is killing my neck.
Charlie and Frank walk to the corner to turn on the tv, and we see the back of Charlie's head is very swollen and caked with dried blood.
MAC & DENNIS
Shitttt.
They share a glance.
DENNIS
I'm not touching that.
MAC
.. Yea if it was really bad, he'd just tell us. Nobody knows your body better than yourself.
DENNIS
That is exactly right dude.
MAC
And anyway, I kinda, I want to watch the movie.
DENNIS
It's a good movie.
Pause.
DENNIS
I'm gonna sit over there though.
MAC
Wh.. why?
DENNIS
You're breathing weird today, and I kinda just don't want to deal with you.
Mac looks devastated. Dennis walks to a chair at one of the tables away from the bar. Frank and Charlie both "ooooh" at a death on the screen.
CUT TO:
INT. CHARLIE & FRANK'S APARTMENT, NIGHT
The two are both asleep. Charlie tosses and turns, Frank farts. Suddenly, Charlie bolts awake.
CHARLIE
Knife!
Charlie sits up, breathing hard, terrified. He holds up one arm of his shirt -- it's ripped. He holds up the other, also ripped. Some dried blood on the pillow.
CHARLIE
(suspecting) Freddy...
FRANK
(half asleep) Wha.. ?
CHARLIE
(loudly) I said! Freddy...
FRANK
Okay.
Frank rolls over and falls back asleep.
CUT TO:
INT. PADDYS PUB, NEXT DAY
Charlie walks in looking horrible -- unfocused eyes, eye bags, and still wearing his pajamas as proof.
DENNIS
Holy shit Charlie.
DEE
Oh my G-d.
MAC
Dude, you look awful.
CHARLIE
Yeah, and you know what, it's cause Freddy, he's out to get me.
MAC & DENNIS & DEE
(overlapping not in sync) No... he isn't.
CHARLIE
Look at this guys, look.
MAC
What?
CHARLIE
Look!
MAC
I am, what!
CHARLIE
He cut my pajamas, he did it in my dream and it echoed out into, into right now!
MAC
Your clothes are always ripped man, I think that's just regular.
CHARLIE
No way man, my rips are so, — those are natural! This is, this flies in the very face of the natural order! My clothes don't rip in straight lines. That's not how clothes work, my arm isn't straight, it's a circle, it's basic science. Dude, something supernatural is happening to me.
DENNIS
No, you're just concussed and paranoid. Why don't you go take a nap, sleep it off.
CHARLIE
Dude you're not listening, I can't go to sleep! Or maybe, maybe I am asleep right now still.
DENNIS
You're not.
CHARLIE
Maybe I'm asleep and I don't even know it!
DENNIS
You're not.
MAC
I don't know, I've heard of this, maybe he is asleep--
DENNIS
What in the hell are you talking about?
MAC
There's a thing, like, how to tell if you're dreaming or awake, because it happens so often that you can't tell if you're inside a dream. Like, you get extra fingers in your dream, and you can't read or tell time.
It's G-d's way of guiding you back to His reality. He's a kind and benevolent savior like that.
CHARLIE
Dude, I can't read a thing right now. Holy shit man, I'm freaking out man…
DENNIS
You can't read ever.
CHARLIE
And my fingers are floaty, I think I have like six or seven on this hand.
DENNIS
(in an aside, exasperated) Because of your concussion!
DEE
Hey Charlie, I think maybe what's happening is, all those drugs you're always huffing, with your gross-ass head wound, they've all combined and given you a legit full-on breakdown.
DENNIS
That's what it is, that makes sense to me.
Charlie grabs onto what Dee's said.
CHARLIE
So.. you're saying my glue invited Fred in... so maybe sniffing some more will kick him out..?
DEE
What, no! No!
DENNIS
Charlie man, come on. You have to know how completely overwhelmingly stupid, I mean, how are you even, I don't understand -- you know what. Yea, go huff some glue my guy, that'll fix it.
Charlie walks (muttering under his breath) to the back office to grab spray paint.
MAC
What are you doing?
DENNIS
I don't want to deal with this when there's zero chance I'm gonna get through to him. Seems more fun to just let him spiral
MAC
But, he needs our help!
DENNIS
Okay, then you help Charlie!
MAC
Okay, how do you think I should do tha--
DENNIS
I don't know! I don't know! I don't care! Go away!
MAC
But..
DENNIS
Today is truly one of those days, where looking at your face fills me with an intense and inescapable fountain of hatred, and if you do not walk away from me right goddamned now I swear it will begin to overflow. And you do not want my fountain to overflow.
Go help him, go away from me, right now, please. Shit.
MAC
Yeah, I'm gonna go,
DENNIS
Go! Go! Go! Now!
Mac and Charlie leave the bar. Frank walks in as they walk out.
FRANK
Aww, where's Charlie going now, he's been blowing me off all day, ever since we watched that movie! Ran right outta the apartment while I was still on the shitter.
Dee and Dennis pointedly and slowly turn around in their stools to face away from Frank in an almost choreographically in-tune action. Dee looks at Dennis, who is breathing hard from yelling at Mac. She turns to gesture to him with an open hand,
DEE
Woah, are you all good?
Dennis takes a few deep breaths then shoots up, totally fine and not emotional at all.
DENNIS
Yeah, it just, it's easier to deal with him when he's a little self-conscious, and honestly it's really fun actually to just blow up randomly at him. He's a good punching bag.
Pause.
DEE
Huh.
DENNIS
So! What are you up to today? Want to go do something?
CUT TO:
EXT. PADDY'S PUB, DAY
Mac chases after Charlie. Charlie is stopped on the sidewalk and fumbles to put the cans of spray paint into his pocket (looks odd and funny that something so big fit in his pajama pants).
MAC
Dude, wait up!
CHARLIE
I have to go man, I gotta get Freddy out of my head! And I gotta huff all this paint, and--
MAC
Yeah, uh, whatever. What can I do to help?
CHARLIE
Um, I mean, just don't fall asleep?
MAC
Well, I have G-d on my side, and in a fight with some satanic killer Jesus Christ would win, he's buff as fuck, so even if I did fall asleep…
CHARLIE
Uhh.. yeah.. I don’t know about all that. Just, you gotta stay awake, like wired to keep from slipping under, and you gotta get on my level, you gotta sniff up some of this glue.
MAC
That's paint.
CHARLIE
They're the same thing, just huff it so we can get our gears going, you know, think up some solutions.
MAC
No. I'm only doing this because G-d is trying to show you the way out of these dark dark dreams and I am His messenger.
CHARLIE
Just sniff some fucking glue dude, G-d won't care but like I can't do this alone!
Mac looks deeply annoyed and pretends to huff it.
CHARLIE
Ok dude, ok dude, alright dude, now we need to make fire.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOF OF PADDYS PUB, DUSK
Charlie and Mac stand over a trash fire. Charlie sprays the spray paint on the fire as accelerant and the flames shoot up.
MAC
What's the deal with the fire again?
CHARLIE
Well, Freddy's all burnt up, so that means fire is his weakness, right? So when I dream him up again, we gotta just push him into the fire.
Pause. Mac looks at the trash can.
MAC
How will he fit in the trash?
CHARLIE
(considering) Uh, that's, that's a point, but we just have to stuff him in. That's actually probably better because then he'll be stuck inside since it's so small and burn up even more.
MAC
If he's all burnt up, doesn't that mean he's already survived fire? How do you even know it'll kill him?
CHARLIE
Can you stop asking questions for like two seconds? You're making my head hurt. It makes logical sense, just don't pick it apart like that.
MAC
Sure.
Before Charlie can respond, a firecracker goes off a ways away across the roof from them. Charlie screams.
CHARLIE
Oh my g-d, the fire's on his side! It's helping Freddy!
MAC
Dude, what?
EXT. ROOF ACROSS THE STREET OF PADDYS
Frank looks through the binoculars laughing as Cricket gets ready to throw another firecracker.
FRANK
Haha, look at him, he's freaked! Teach that asshole to run out on me.
EXT. ROOF OF PADDYS PUB, DUSK
Charlie is running around in circles spraying the spray paint like you would spray pepper spray. It gets in his eyes and mouth and he starts gagging as he continues to run.
Mac peers across the rooftop and sees Frank. He waves wildly as Charlie runs, and Cricket waves back -- Frank quickly grabs at Cricket's hand to stop him.
Charlie finally stops, breathing heavily and blinking, dazed, hazy. He stands for two seconds just breathing with his hands on his knees, pops back up, re-energized.
CHARLIE
Shit, ok, shit, he's on to us, we gotta get outta here.
MAC
Why don't I head back to my apartment, alone, and when we're split up he won't know who to follow, and that will confuse Freddy enough to buy us some time? And you go do whatever you want. But away from me. Huh?
CHARLIE
(pointing at Mac) Good idea, yeah, splitting up always works in scary movies. Stay safe man. I'm gonna booby trap this place.
Charlie walks off to get off the roof to gather supplies, zig-zaging loopily as he walks.
INT. MAC AND DENNIS' APARTMENT KITCHEN, NIGHT
Mac sits at the kitchen table making rips in a red and green sweater. We then see him pull the Dennis sex doll up onto the table and he cuts the face off. Dennis walks by in the background as he walks to the kitchen to get a snack, makes a disgusted face, then turns around and walks back to his room.
INT. DENNIS'S ROOM, NIGHT
Dee sits on Dennis's bed as the two prepare to watch a movie.
DENNIS
No snacks.
DEE
Why the fuck not?
DENNIS
He's fucking the sex doll in the kitchen. On the upside, he's cutting the face off of it, so maybe he'll stop annoying me if he's not banging me in doll form anymore.
DEE
Shit, you guys are weird. Can we just sneak out and go back to my place?
DENNIS
No, your place is a disgusting void of sadness. Just because I'm watching a movie with you in no way means I want to see or know about any part of your life.
DEE
Fine, well then let's go to the bar. Shit, I don't want to hear him fucking the doll in the middle of our movie.
INT. MAC AND DENNIS' APARTMENT KITCHEN, NIGHT
Mac holds a lighter to the Dennis sex doll face so that the plastic becomes burnt and shriveled. He then pulls it on his face, stroking the mask's cheek to test it. Dennis and Dee are in the background sneaking towards the door and only see Mac from behind, holding a mask up to his face and stroking the cheek -- they both look horrified as they watch him stroke the masks cheek on his cheek.
After they leave, Mac also pulls on the sweater and a fedora. He grabs multiple pairs of scissors and starts duct taping them together.
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY
See Dennis and Dee on one end, Mac dressed as Freddy on the other. Dennis suddenly realizes he forgot the movie.
DENNIS
Ah, shit, Dee, would you go get the movie?
DEE
Why do I have to?
DENNIS
Go get the movie! Go get the movie! Go get the movie!
Dee goes to get it.
DENNIS
(to himself) You're on a roll man, yelling the same thing over and over really does work.
Down the hall, Dee sees a hallway light go out and flicker. In the shadowed corner beyond the apartment door, Dee sees what looks like Freddy Krueger.
MAC (AS FREDDY)
Dee.. how sweet.. !
Dee squints at the figure.
DEE
Mac?
MAC (AS FREDDY)
(voice like Freddy) I am your worst nightmare bitch!
Mac starts advancing forward but trips on a lip in the carpet. He regains his balance, but the fall in the shadows looks like he is advancing supernaturally quickly towards Dee. One of the pairs of scissors dislodges from the shoddy duct tape, and it looks as if it was thrown at Dee blade first. She screams and runs back to Dennis.
DEE
Some guy back there just tried to kill me!
DENNIS
So what, where's the DVD?
DEE
He had a bunch of huge knives, Dennis, he looked like an actual, like a for real murderer!
Dennis looks at her with disgust.
DENNIS
You're paying for the movie on Frank's apple tv thing he installed on the bar set. Dammit!
Dee, out of breath and freaked out, follows Dennis out.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOF OF PADDYS PUB, NIGHT
Charlie is curled up in the fetal position in front of the dying trashcan fire. Knives and broken glass litter the roof around him haphazardly.
EXT. ROOF ACROSS THE STREET OF PADDYS, NIGHT
Across the way, Frank is watching through his binoculars. A figure, shadowed, walks up slowly behind Frank. Closer, closer --
MAC
Frank!
Frank jumps, and hits Mac in the face with the binoculars, rifling through his pockets with his other hand for his gun.
FRANK
Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing here? Where's Cricket?
CAMERA PANS TO THE SIDE SLIGHTLY TO SHOW THAT CRICKET IS STILL THERE, WATCHING
CRICKET
Right here man.
FRANK
You're supposed to be protecting me! How come you let him sneak up on me?
CRICKET
I was waiting for you to tell me what to do. I can't do anything until you tell me what to do. That's not allowed.
FRANK
What?!
MAC
Frank! I want to help you freak out Charlie.
Frank squints suspiciously at Mac.
FRANK
I thought you said you wanted to help him.
MAC
That's when I thought that he was having real evil dreams. But I saw you throwing those fireworks -- if he isn't being haunted seriously, we can still use his fear to help him see the light, you know? Fear is how you grow closer to the Lord.
Also now it just seems fun to fuck with Charlie. (mumbled, hurried) and also we should scare Dennis because he's mean.
FRANK
Alright, I can get on board with that, alright...
MAC
So what's the plan?
FRANK
Well... all I got so far is firecrackers.
MAC
That's it?
FRANK
Hey, Charlie's scared of firecrackers, what do you want me to say?
MAC
Well he's all messed up from those horror movies, so we should lean into that instead of just sticking with some lame fireworks.
Unless... do you have any of those cool illegal ones that basically blow off people's hands?
FRANK
No.
MAC
Ok then yeah we have to switch it up.
FRANK
Well what did you want to do to him?
Mac holds up the face of the Dennis sex doll, the fedora, the knives, all in one hand, while gesturing to his sweater with the other.
CRICKET
Hey, where's the rest of it? Can't fuck it if it's just the face.
MAC
I don't want you to fuck the doll! I'm using the face as part of the armor for Freddy Krueger.
FRANK
Armor?
MAC
Well yeah, costumes are for girls and kids, and men wear armor.
FRANK
That's true, woah.
MAC
So we have the armor, now we just have to think of a way to get them to think it's really Freddy. Raise the stakes a little.
Frank and Mac turn to look at Cricket with evil grins.
INT. PADDY'S PUB, NIGHT
Dennis and Dee are set up with their movie -- Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Dennis turns the volume up all the way, and we see through the window
EXT. PADDYS PUB, NIGHT
The light of the tv reflecting through the window onto the sidewalk. Up top,
EXT. ROOF OF PADDY’S PUB, NIGHT
Charlie wakes up to the flashing lights from the tv visible on the sidewalk below through the front windows.
CHARLIE
Am I... dreaming?
Shakily, he walks downstairs. His face is more silver-paint than face.
INT. PADDY'S PUB, NIGHT
Dennis and Dee are watching the movie with beers and popcorn.
DEE
Wait, so, are we supposed to believe this guy can get into anyone's dreams in the world and he chooses these losers?
DENNIS
Just, watch the movie, it makes sense.
DEE
I don't know, if I was him I'd go for some hotter pe--
DENNIS
Can you stop talking?!
Through the window, we see just darkness, then, when the light from the tv changes, Charlie peering in at the two.
CHARLIE
(to himself) Wow, my brain is wicked strong. This all looks so real.
Charlie bursts through the door and runs in, but the tv is so loud that Dennis and Dee don't hear him walk in from the other side of the bar.
CHARLIE
Heyy! Heyy! Heyy! Wake up! Wake up!
He eventually gets close enough (right in Dennis's ear) for them to hear, and Dennis squirms in disgust at Charlie so close to him, stands up, pauses the tv. It freezes on an image of Freddy smiling.
DENNIS
What the hell man?
CHARLIE
You gotta wake up guys, come on, I'm here to rescue you.
DEE
We're not asleep Charlie. Go away.
CHARLIE
You are, you ar--
"Are" morphs into an "ahh" from Cricket as Cricket stumbles in from the alley entrance, blood all over his stomach, hands, arms.
CRICKET
(weakly) He really stabbed me. I thought it was a joke.
Dennis and Dee look mildly affronted, Charlie looks terrified. Cricket collapses on the ground, moaning -- the three all walk to stand over him to look (shot of the three peering down at the camera).
CHARLIE
Who stabbed you?
CRICKET
Fr.. Fr...
He passes out. Charlie freaks out.
CHARLIE
Freddy!!
Dee kicks weakly at Cricket's prone body.
DEE
Hey, cricket! Your fake blood smells like shit, get up.
Cricket doesn't move.
DENNIS
Dee, I think he might be dead. Trust me, that blood is real.
DEE
How would yo--
DENNIS
Never mind how I know such things, the point is
CHARLIE
The point is that Freddy Krueger just killed Rickety Cricket!
A loud thump at the alley door, followed by a scratching sound like knives on brick.
All three scream and run for the front door -- it's now locked.
Suddenly, Frank runs in from the alley side door.
FRANK
Holy shit! Holy shit, guys, get me outta here he's crazy!
CHARLIE
Who?
FRANK
Some guy, how am I supposed to know the guy, all burned up, ugh. I think he followed me home from the bridge. He stabbed Mac! I left him behind!
DEE
Burned up? Burned up how?
CHARLIE
Oh Mac, oh my g-d he was so young,
FRANK
Cricket saved my life, jumped in fronta me. The little pervert was a hero, a hero!
A shadowed figure (Mac as Freddy) appears at the side door.
DENNIS
Hey, get out of here man
CHARLIE
What are you doing?
DENNIS
I got this, shut up. (to the figure) Hey, guy. The bar is closed, you can't come in here.
MAC (AS FREDDY)
I'm about to close your face -- forever!
DENNIS
Close my face, what?
DEE
Uhh, I don't think you should mess with this guy Dennis, I think we should get outt-
MAC (AS FREDDY)
Are you ready to die?
Mac steps a bit closer. Dee freaks out.
DEE
Oh my g-d, that's the guy from your building! He's real, he's actually been following us!
FRANK
Dennis, come on, take the guy out!
DENNIS
How the hell am I supposed to do that?
FRANK
Sucker punch him!
DENNIS
Well it wouldn't be a sucker punch if you warn him that I'm gonna do it!
MAC (AS FREDDY)
Are you ready to feel the steel of my blades enter inside of you?
DENNIS
The fuc- oh shit!
Dennis stumbles back as Mac lunges forward in a fake-out.
MAC (FREDDY)
I'm your worst nightmare!
CHARLIE
I told you he was real! Holy shit he's gonna kill Dennis!
Dennis runs back to the rest of the gang as they all back up against the bar; The gang reach the bar and walk along it with their backs to the bar, watching "Freddy".
DENNIS
Fuck you guys, I'm not getting killed by this guy.
Dennis suddenly pushes Frank away towards Freddy so that he falls prone, and runs towards the boiler room -- the rest of the gang follow, Frank last, with a bloody nose.
CHARLIE
Well, I'm not getting killed either!
Loud footsteps as Mac stomps slowly down the stairs.
DEE
Ohhh shit. Ohhhh no. Ohhh g-d.
FRANK
We're dead. We're trapped and he's gonna kill us, (Frank-like blubbering) oh g-ddd!
DENNIS
No he's not, no he's not, he gets any closer and I'm pushing you toward him Charlie!
CHARLIE
What? Why me?
DENNIS
I don't know, this just feels like your fault somehow
CHARLIE
Well if we're gonna sacrifice anyone, sacrifice Dee! She's right next to you, you can push her easier anyway, she’s got bird bones!
Dennis and Charlie turn to Dee, Dee starts backing up both from them and from Mac/Freddy
DEE
Oh no, no you don't, you assholes you can't sacrifice me again!
FRANK
Ain't nobody sacrificing no one.
Frank pulls out his gun. Fires off rapid-fire shots almost point blank at the figure, going every which way but still clipping the figure, who pulls off his mask.
MAC
Holy shit Frank what the fuck?
DENNIS
Mac?
MAC
I think I'm bleeding! Why would you shoot me?
CHARLIE
Oh my g-d Freddy Krueger is wearing Mac's face!
DEE
No he's not Charlie.
They all step toward Mac and look him up and down.
DENNIS
Ugh, are you wearing my sex doll's face?
FRANK
Oops, I kinda forgot it was you kid.
MAC
You can't "oops" trying to shoot me you maniac!
CHARLIE
You're the maniac you maniac! Why'd you try to kill us!
MAC
I didn't try to kill you, I was just trying to scare the crap out of you.
DENNIS
Why?
MAC
I had to scare you Charlie, I had to! It was the only way to get you to freely look to G-d.
CHARLIE
Well, I was just gonna kill Freddy Krueger, I don't think religion is --
MAC
Also, Dennis was being mean to me!
DENNIS
I was being mean to you.
MAC
Yes.
DENNIS
You're an adult, I can't be mean to you.
MAC
Well you were mean and you hurt my feelings.
DENNIS
That's not a reason to come up with a, not even fun plan, I mean what was this? Why did you think this made any sense? This didn’t even last, you faked it for like 5 full minutes.
MAC
I don't know, but, well, I did it. So…
CHARLIE
Wai-wait-wait. Hold the phone. So.. you were Freddy the whole time?
MAC
Yes.
DEE
(muttering) The whole time? You mean the whole entire two seconds?
CHARLIE
Every time, the whole entire time?
MAC
Of course it was me, do you think anybody else in the world could have the physical presence to, to match the pure violence and manliness of --
DENNIS
He is the most silly killer in all of horror man, what are you talking about?
MAC
No, see, it's camp. He's scary, but then he can also have fun, you know, be light with it. Now, I am scary, and I have an imposing figure, but I also have the general charisma to make it campy too.
DEE
Campy?
MAC
You guyss. You like, keep forgetting that I'm gay now. I know lingo and shit.
CHARLIE
(huge breath of relief) Oh my g-d, it wasn't real, ohhh, I thought we were gone, man, when I saw Cricket, I mean in scary movies there's always like the nothing person who dies and nobody notices so they don't save themselves, so I was all ready to, you know, be smarter than that, because he's our nothing person we'd ignore.
How'd you fake his stab wounds anyway?
MAC
Oh no, we really stabbed him.
DEE
What??
MAC
Yeah, Frank said he'd pay for his hospital stay for a week if he let us.
FRANK
I was only gonna stab his arm, but his stomach just seemed better. I mean, it was right there!
DEE
Wait so he's like bleeding to death up there?
FRANK
Ehh, he's fine, nothing can keep the little rat down.
MAC
Come on Dennis, admit it, you were scared
DENNIS
You know what? This was the weirdest most unnecessary thing you've ever done in a whole lifetime of being unnecessary, but it scared me, you scared me, I'll admit it.
MAC
Uh-huh, I knew it, I knew you'd like it!
Haha, see, it was good, right?
DENNIS
I never said I liked it.
But hey, you finally got rid of the Dennis doll, that counts for something!
MAC
Oh no, I'm learning arts and crafts, I can put it back on, your face is just going to look a bit burnt.
DENNIS
Come on man! Don't fuck the burned-out Dennis doll!
MAC
Oh, no, I don't fuck it!
DENNIS
Of course you fuck it.
MAC
I don't! Why do you guys keep saying that!
DEE
I mean, because it's a sex doll, Mac.
MAC
No! No, I just like having company. This way I'm never alone! I never have to be alone ever again.
DEE
Oh, oh that's more sad.
CHARLIE
Mac, jeez.
The gang all walk up back to the bar -- everyone walks over to the bar to sit, Mac trailing sadly behind. A few feet over, Cricket is regaining consciousness, lifting his head up to look at the group walking in.
CRICKET
(weakly) Hey.. hopsital.. please ..
DENNIS
You know, he's right, we should probably get you to a hospital Charlie. I mean, you were so concussed that you actually, really thought Freddy Krueger was real.
DEE
And Mac has a literal bullet graze in his arm!
They all walk out of the bar, Cricket left crying on the floor.
FRANK
Don't worry, Crick, we'll come get you in a bit. It’s just a bit too cramped to drive everyone right now. You understand.
Zoom in on the paused tv screen of Freddy's face as we hear the bar door slamming closed and Cricket moaning dramatically.
I’ve only gotten to the title card but this is so funny! You’ve captured their voices so well I can hear them 😂